WHERE IN THE WORLD IS ELIAN GONZALEZ? ['Member When Monday]

I bet that was the question you were asking yourself when you woke up today, right after you found your shoes and that missing pair of black socks.

Well, have no fear, the real funny staff has done some investigating and guess what we found…young EG, kickin’ it in Cuba with his dad [story]. Elian enjoys long walks on the beach, ice cream with his cousins and the occasional meeting of the young communist union, of which he is now a member.

Remember, the whole “Elian Gonzalez” debacle?  

To refresh your recollection,  Elian’s mother died when they tried to make the voyage from Cuba to Miami, his dad wanted him back in Cuba but his American relatives thought they were so bad assed that they could just hide him in a fake brick wall until he was 18 to keep him in the U.S. (Okay, so I made that last part up). But if you recall, his relatives wouldn’t answer the door when the SWAT agents came to get Elian and they tried to hide him in a closet. Because after looking in the stove, pantry cabinets and the washing machine, no SWAT agent in his right mind would think to look in the closet.

Oh, how we love an international crisis, right? It was almost as exciting as some of our domestic thrills like the O.J. bronco police chase, although not quite rising to the level of the Waco stand off.

Good luck to you Elian Gonazalez, we hope you visit us again, very soon!

Photo Credit: Alan Diaz

Pregnancy Humor

One of our lovely real funny staff members just found out she was expecting.  While we were all jumping for joy on the outside and secretly scared on the inside, we decided to add our touch to….what to do when you find out your pregnant!

1.  What happens in Vegas no longer stays in Vegas! (That’s how you got in this situation!)

2.  Narrow down list of fathers to three

3.  Learn about child support laws in your state

4.  Write Halle B, Angelina J., and Jessica A and see if you can borrow their maternity clothes (’cause we all know maternity gear is wack!)

5.  Find an addiction support program

6.  Identify two foster families just in case you snap crazy

7.  Have sex with guys that you have secretly liked without fear of pregnany

8.  Go off on all the folks you have wanted to yell at for years

9.  Get yourself together so baby does not end up crazy like you

 

Smooch!

Shower Talk Sheila

As an extremely active woman, I am no stranger to the locker room shower. I have no inhibitions about prancing around the locker room sans towel and going about my business. However, I have to admit that I am still not completely comfortable with the group shower. Think about it, 99% of the time you shower by yourself, so it is odd, if not completely awkward, to turn to the left and see Jane getting jiggy with some soap.

I just don’t think it was meant to be.

But what really takes it to the next level for me is the shower talk sheilas. Now a “shower talk sheila” is one of those women who wants to talk to you (in detail) while you are getting your shower on. They ask questions about anything from how your workout went to did you hear about (insert random celebrity here). They comment on your bath products (”Don’t you love Dove Soap?”)

Why yes, I love Dove soap and I love it even more when I can use it in silence. Can you get some business?

Most of the time, shower talk Sheilas will face you full on, so they are basically watching you shower. And therein lies the problem, I suddently get a little bashful. And you know why ladies, because now someone is watching you and you can’t quite get your “dig and slide on” like you want to (READ: you can’t wash your ass like you want [and NEED to]).

As another RF staff member noted, you really need to get in there because who knows what is lurking in your crevices.

RIGHT!

And now, my cleanliness becomes challenged because Sheila can’t stop smacking her damn lips.

*lips twisted to the side*

But to take this to another level of analysis, why is it that Sheila can have a full on conversation with me, but I don’t see her with: 1) a washcloth or 2) DOING ANYTHING REMOTELY CLOSE TO WASHING HER ASS.

Now not only is Sheila annoying, but I fully question her hygiene.

 

*DEEP SIGH*

PUERTO RICO…WHAT?

 

Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico Primary toda-..er…excuse me? What did you just say?

You don’t give a hot damn?

A rat’s ass…even?

Why?

Oh…you mean the folks in the great commonwealth of Puerto Rico can’t vote in the General Election?

What??? You mean this doesn’t really matter in the long run?

 Wow. Thanks for the info. I have to report this to the people.

********************************************************************************* 

Senator Clinton won the Puerto Rico primary today and apparently…nobody cares.

 Thank You and Good Night.

 

 

Jesus Walks (and allegedly had a book deal)

A few months ago, I was awakened by the sound of the door bell ringing. Typically, any number of solicitors will roll though my apartment complex on the weekend. Jehovah’s witnesses, at-risk youth selling 50 cent M&Ms for $4 for some bootleg trip, or the local homeless dude who is always asking me if I saw his green martian friend named “Nanu”. When I opened the door, I was a little surprised to see two women with big smiles greeting me. Our conversation went something like this:
 
Suzy, the mormon chick: Hi I just wanted to pass along this info….(Big smile on her face).

Me (cutting her off): I attend church at Greater Hope Love Fellowship, I have had a relationship with Christ for several years now.  (crossing my arms and glaring and secretly glad I broke out my WWJD bracelet before answering the door. In the words of Diddy take that, “take that, take that”).

Mormon Chick: Well that’s great, I just wanted to share with you another testament of Jesus Christ.
 
*crickets*

*birds*

*law and order dings*
 
I was a little caught off guard because when I give my usual spiel about my religion, most pack up their crusade and call me a sinner, or in the case of the old burly looking “teenagers,” it usualy ends with me being called “a bitch” or them making a “W” with their fingers and shouting “westside nil’s” as they crip walk to their low rider bikes. However,  the Mormon chick had basically thrown me a curve ball.

Apparently, not only did Jesus come to save all men from condemnation but he also had a 2 book deal with Random House Publishers.

Mormon Chick: Could I leave some information with you in case you are interested in knowing more?

Me (looking puzzled): uhh…okay.

I took the information and stuck it somewhere but I was truly troubled. How could Jesus just come out with a sequel on the low. This just didn’t seem like his style.

So I did what we all do when we are in search for some answers:

I googled Jesus.

His Wikipedia entry yielded no information or reference to this “other testament,” nor did his website, aptly named “jesuschrist.com“, even mention this book in a list of his writings. I am just saying, I think there is some fraud going on here.

I have extended an invitation for him to ‘friend me’ on myspace and hopefully through Facebook I can secure an interview.
 
I will get to the bottom of this as God as my witness.

The Mormon Chick must be stopped.