Homeless in Chicago

Have you ever paid close attention to the homeless folks asking for change?  I know you probably look at the grimy outfit and the shopping cart filled with garbage bags and a carburetor and keep it moving, but after this tale, you’ll be a little more leery.

 

I pass two homeless dudes on my daily commute home.  The first is the well wishing panderer we’ll call “Slingblade.”  Slingblade tells passing commuters, “ Good night, have a safe trip home and a bless’id day.”  I, on the other hand, get a lil’ extra attención and he tells me, “Good night my sweetie, I love you, have a bless’id day and safe trip!”  And because we are both African American, naturally, everyone assumes that they we dated or at minimum, hooked up.

 

The second dude, whom we like to call “Loud Larry,” only communicates through his cardboard sign. 

 

Now understand that this is their thing they do everyday without fail…. except for one strange day in particular….

 

One day while doing my, “Damn, I’m glad I’m off work,” walk, I did not see Slingblade.  I thought that a bit odd but hey, Slingblade is homeless, who am I to have grand expectations?  When I got to the train station, I let out a sigh of relief as I saw Larry faithfully holding his carboard sign. 

 

At least I thought it was Larry….  Wait, is that Larry? 

 

Then as I pass I hear….  “Good night my sweetie, I love you, have a bless’id day and a safe trip!!!”

 

Awww hell……… what the…?  How in the…?

 

So, Slingblade is standing in for Larry? What is this…hide the homeless?  Shift the shifty? 

 

Something is not all the way right about the homeless situation folks and in true real funny fashion, I have a few theories as to what was really going down in this particular instance. 

 

First, I am thinking this whole act is really just live theater.

 

                                                                 

                                           “Life in a Concrete Hotel”

                                     PRODUCED BY Lint Pocket Productions

                           STARRING Bartholomew Robinson as “Slingblade Washington,”

 A loving, good for nothing, who isn’t really homeless as much as he is just really broke.

 His understudy, Freddy Fredricks, a summa cum laude graduate of Larry’s School

of Theatre, Heating and Cooling, takes on the roll once a month when Bart gets

the day off to do hair on the Westside of Chicago.

 

When asked if he ever dreamed that he would be doing live theater, Bart replied,

 “No way muthaf*****, I thought I was going to be homeless!”

 

 Or perhaps Larry and Slingblade belong to their local union, HOM.I.E (Homeless International… Etcetera).

                                                              

 

Sling just called in sick that day and the Union sent a sub.  HOM.I.E helps the homeless look at their begging as a full time gig with the ability to get benefits such as sick and vacation days.  As for health benefits, members get a bar of Ivory soap and a dishrag twice a month to keep them clean from vermin and disease.  Their dental plan consists of a box of baking soda to use on their fingers to keep their five teeth pearly white and as for vision, well they get some Blueblockers and visine to protect from sun damage.

 

Slingblade has been in the union for two years and he said the benefits are the bomb and he is glad that he has more time to spend with his fellow HOMI.E.S: Kazu and Barbara Streisand.